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Insult Rolodex: An Insult For Any Situation

Our goal here is to categorize insults for each feature a person could have, as well as generic insults for any situation. If you want to get better at insults, check out our post on the psychology of insults to understand the important difference between insults that hurt and those that don’t. Keep in mind that insults don’t always have to be verbal. Some of the best insults simply move people into lesser positions. For example making someone sit in a smaller chair while everyone else sits in adult chairs can be insulting where status is extremely important, like in a negotiation.

To improve and come up with your own material, consider watching celebrity and other comedian roasts. Check out our guide to compliment insults if you want to know how to be more tactful with your insults. Another thing to keep in mind about insults is they often work best in tandem with a full fledged character assassination campaign. Instead of randomly attacking a person, plan out the optimal ways to attack their character and then just repeat those insults to drive home that way of branding the person. Think of yourself as telling a story about the person that emphasizes a few key characteristics that make them look bad or incompetent.

Let’s get started with the low hanging fruit.

Multi Purpose Insults For Any Situation

Multi purpose insults work in any situation. Here are a few ways to both insult someone and to respond to an insult that work most of the time. Some of the best ones simply neutralize the situation.

  • That is indeed what you think. (After someone insults you.)
  • It is okay if you don’t like me, not everyone has good taste.
  • You don’t need to repeat yourself, I ignored you fine the first time.
  • Congratulations on X, I didn’t think you had it in you.
  • Do you want to try again? That delivery was pretty weak. Is that really the best you can do, try again, one more time.
  • Oh don’t stop there, you can do better than that.
  • Wow, clever, that’s the hundredth time I’ve heard that joke.
  • Settle down jr, that’s enough of that.
  • Ouch, you must have been up practicing that all night.
  • Oh, feeling particularly friendly today I see.
  • As uplifting as always I can see.
  • You must be the nice one in this group.
  • So that’s what a low IQ insult sounds like.
  • I’ve been called worse by better people.
  • Another useful comment from the department of who cares.
  • You would know all about X from staring in the mirror all these years. (When they insult something about you.)
  • (When someone says they don’t like you.) Too bad, I always liked you. But I guess that is because I never met you.
  • Your elevator doesn’t go to the top floor, does it.
  • If your going to be a smart as$ you need to be smart.
  • How did your head grow so large with so little nourishment?
  • Mock them when they show up places (oh here comes tough guy, here comes Einstein).

Insults Based On Visual Characteristics

Short And Tall People

  • Whatever you say pocket prince.
  • Pretty rich for a guy who needed a ladder to reach manhood.

Fat And Skinny People

  • You’ve filled out really nicely.
  • You look really good for a fat person.
  • Come here you Ichabod Crane mother $ucker you.
  • Pretty rich coming from the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
  • Says the founding member of the pregnant man’s club.
  • You are large… ly in charge of this place, right?
  • You look like the type of animal that could eat its young.
  • Says the guy who has more folds than an origami duck.
  • Okay beanpole.

Ugly People

  • You look like something I drew with my left hand.
  • It’s nothing compared to your poor dental care.
  • No, you’re too ugly to be hitting on.

Poorly Dressed People

  • I see you stole your grandmother/grandfather’s shirt today.
  • You know you looked great from a distance.
  • Hey the hobo downstairs wants their jacket back.

Bald People Or People With Weird Haircuts

  • You are an idiot with more hair than brains.
  • Is that a beard or are you eating a muskrat?

Odd Features (Noses, Eyes, Arms, Skin Defects, Feet)

  • I’m so proud you started exercising, too bad you already had those lines on your face.
  • Do you squat a bunch? I noticed your legs are uneven.
  • He looks like a waxy unshaven candle.
  • He looks like a sweaty corpse.
  • It looks like your nose stopped downloading at 15%.
  • If god made your mouth any bigger he would have had to move your ears.

Miscellaneous

  • You are a fool with more nose hair than honesty.
  • What is that, date rape by Calvin Klein?
  • X is a moron and a tall man who ruined a beloved institution. But it turns out I was wrong, he isn’t tall.
  • You are like the poorest rich person then.
  • I’d insult you back but it looks like nature already did.
  • Can I take your picture? I want to scare my wife.

Insults Based On Behavioral Characteristics

Jerks

  • I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.
  • I envy everyone you’ve never met.

Socially Awkward People

  • Tell me X, were you raised by a pack of hyenas?
  • Oh your palms are really sweaty. Nervous much?
  • The only regular exercise you get is fishing for compliments.

Negative People (Whiners, Complainers, Nit Pickers, Sensitive)

  • Meet my trained cloud. He follows me where ever I go.
  • Costco has a sale on tissues if you run out.
  • Oh muffin its so hard to be you.
  • Okay princess.
  • Alrighty pumpkin.

Childish People

  • Give them children’s gifts.
  • I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.

Incompetent, Dumb, Or Lazy People

  • I’m surprised you did so well on that report, who helped you?
  • The good thing is I never have to worry about you overthinking it.
  • He’s the best coach in America until the game starts.
  • High five! Many people are average but you stand right at the top of mediocrity.
  • You fail like Edison, minus the success.
  • You started all the way at the bottom and stayed there, didn’t you?
  • That’s a lot of words for ‘I am an idiot.’
  • They said that to be kind. What I think he meant to say is he wishes your mother gave birth to a can opener because then you’d be more useful.
  • I can only explain it to you. I can’t understand it for you.
  • Says the guy with the IQ of a fence post.
  • How do you know so little, so fluently?

Angry Or Aggressive People

  • Easy there baby buffalo/kitten/flapjack.
  • Cover star for toxic male monthly.

Clumsy People

  • I hope it is diarrhea because you just bumped me.

Conversation Hogs

  • Please leave a bit of air for the rest of us.
  • I can’t help but wonder why you are so afraid of letting me finish.

Bad Driver

  • Big boys/girls drive between the lines.

Always Busy People

  • What else could you possibly be doing, trying on women’s shoes for the debutante ball?
  • Oh you are busy doing what? Dusting your teapots?

Liars

  • Your nose is growing by the minute. When it reaches that wall do you think it will turn around or just go right through?
  • You should know you don’t become more correct the more air you spew out of your mouth.

Boring People

  • I’d rather be reincarnated as one of Michael Vick’s dogs than hear the rest of what you have to say.
  • Talking to you is right at the top of my to do list, right next to poking myself in the face with a fork.
  • Oops, you dropped your personality.

Loose People

  • You’re like a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you but no one wants you.

Miscellaneous

  • I don’t see why people are so snooty about X, he did some great work sweeping the dugout, picking his nose, and failing at his last test.
  • (When introducing someone.) You know X, he does hate speech and bad jokes.
  • He is like an old beaten dog.
  • He’s the c&nt of Monte Cristo.
  • Hey X, the Moron’s anonymous meeting is next door.
  • What’s up X, mix me up with your sponsor?

Branding

Sometimes it is helpful to generally apply a brand to someone and insult them in slightly different ways, over and over again. This drills the negative characteristic into people’s minds.

Negative Frames Or Brands

  • Sensitive
  • Insecure
  • Entitled
  • Creepy, shady, awkward
  • Delusional, oblivious
  • Weak
  • Child, whiner
  • Unpopular, loser
  • Guilty
  • Desperate
  • Hack
  • Average, less than
  • Disabled
  • Timid
  • Vain
  • Verbose
  • Volatile
  • Evasive
  • Disorganized
  • Pretentious
  • Cocky
  • Cynical

Nick Names

  • Twinkle toes
  • WalMart Mussolini
  • Einstein
  • Bafoon
  • Dingbat
  • Jafar
  • Birdbrain
  • Cockroach
  • Shriek
  • Hopless donut
  • Whining willy
  • Crazy (name)
  • Corrupt (name)
  • Butterbean
  • The meerkat
  • Hyena
  • Oaf
  • Grim reaper
  • Little (name)
  • Champ, chief gaylord, sport, captain

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